Video

Your Marriage Mindset

The following is an overview of a conversation between Roy Baldwin and pastor Willie Batson, founder and lead coach of W.C.Batson Coaching Services, as part of a series on Marriage. In this episode, the two discuss what it means to have a Marriage Mindset, what the Bible has to say about it, and define what a healthy growth mindset and an unhealthy fixed mindset looks like.

Watch the full video on YouTube and check out Willie Batson’s website for more content!

“So don’t get tired of doing what is good. Don’t get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessings at the appropriate time.”

Galatians 6:9
Intro

Even before the strenuous pandemic that forced us to stay close to each other 24/7, marriage was at times hard and discouraging. It’s why throughout this series we have been constantly pointing back to Galatians 6:9 – Keep at it! Do not be discouraged when times become hard, love your spouse and strive to continue working on and growing your relationship. That is what we will be talking about in this conversation as we dive into our marriage mindset, and figure out the answer to WHY we do WHAT we do.

Defining Mindsets

Our behavior in marriage is influenced by our Mindsets.

Mindsets are the assumptions and expectations we have for ourselves and others. These attitudes guide our behavior and influence our response to daily events. Your mindset will affect how you feel about something, and even how well you do at something.

According to Dr. Emerson Eggerich, people tend to hold one of two basic types of mindsets:

  1. Fixed: A fixed mindset is one that is set in place, with the person feeling that there is no need for anything to change, or work towards changing. They will say that “I really don’t have to work hard at bettering myself.” These types of people to blame others outside of themselves and flee when troubles and challenges arise.
    This is a very Unhealthy mindset to adopt.
  2. Growth: A growth mindset is one that is always looking to improve and change, and put the effort in to make things work out. The person with this mindset will say that they, “must work at being better”. A growth centered person will grow through pain and challenge.
    It certainly isn’t the easiest path, but it IS the Healthiest.

So where do our mindsets and attitudes come from?

Our mindsets actually stem from our Belief. Our belief about something is so powerful that it can change our reality: it can make something appear to be different than it really is. Belief does not require something to be true, only requiring us to believe that it is true.

When something doesn’t line up with our belief system, we resist it, no matter what we are told/given evidence for.

Think About It:

Where have your beliefs and worldview stemmed from?

What does the Bible say about Mindsets?

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

Romans 12:2

This verse is telling us to allow God to change the way we think, and that opening up our perspective not only allows us to change our perspective, but to be transformed. Its why reading God’s word and letting what He has to say resonate within us is so important.

Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. 

Colossians 3:2

Our primary focus is not to be the things of this earth. We instead need to focus our belief on the God of the Bible. Our lives/marriages will be better off, and stronger, in a unity of belief.

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

Philippians 4:8

Do you see your spouse in this way? Do you see them as true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, and admirable? You should strive to fix your thoughts on them in this way, even if there are times when you don’t want to. It’s why we need to constantly be checking our thoughts, and realign them if they start to stray away from this view of our spouse.

Unhealthy Mindsets

As you go through this list and identify some of these places where you struggle, be open and honest with yourself, and learn to replace these with a Growth Mindset.
(The following is material based on the work of Robert Leahy, PhD and Director/Contributor to the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy)

  • Labeling — You attribute a negative personality trait to your partner, leading you to believe that he or she can never change. As an alternative, rather than label your spouse, you can look for “variability” in his/her behavior.
  • Fortune-telling — You forecast the future and predict that things will never get better, leaving you feeling helpless and hopeless. An alternative to this is to look back at positive experiences that you have to challenge your idea that nothing will improve.
  • Mind-reading — You interpret your spouse’s motivations as hostile or selfish on the basis of very little evidence. Rather than engaging in mind-reading, you can ask your spouse what he/she meant or how he/she is feeling. Sometimes it’s beneficial to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.
  • Catastrophic Thinking — You treat conflict or problems as if they indicate that the world has ended or that your marriage is a disaster. A better way of looking at this is that all couples face problems — some of them quite upsetting. Rather than look at an obstacle or a problem as “terrible,” you might validate that it is difficult for both of you, but that it is also an opportunity to learn new skills in communicating and interacting — a growth mindset.
  • Emotional Reasoning — You feel depressed and anxious, and you conclude that your emotions indicate that your marriage is a failure. A better way of looking at your emotions is that your feelings may go up and down, depending on what you and your spouse are doing. Emotions are changeable and don’t always tell you about how good things can be.
  • All-or-Nothing Thinking — You describe your interactions as being all good or all bad without examining the possibility that some experiences with your partner are positive. Whenever you use the words “always” and “never,” try assuming that you are wrong. The best way to test out your distorted and biased negative thinking is to look at the facts. Maybe the facts aren’t as terrible as they seem to be. Remember, mindsets are influenced by our beliefs.
  • Shoulds — You have a list of “commandments” about your relationship and condemn yourself or your spouse for not living up to your “should.“ Rather than talk about the way things “should” be, you might consider how you can make things better. Replace your shoulds with “how to” and “let’s try.”
  • Personalizing — You attribute your spouse’s moods and behavior to something about yourself, or you take all the blame for the problems. It’s almost never all about one person; it takes two to tango and two to be miserable.
  • Perfectionism — You hold up a standard for a relationship that is unrealistically high and then measure your relationship by this standard. No relationship is perfect — and no relationship needs to be perfect.
  • Blaming — You believe that all the problems in the relationship are caused by your spouse. There is a grain of truth in almost any negative thought, but blaming your spouse will make you feel helpless and trapped. A better way of approaching this is to take a “Let’s fix it together” approach. You can validate each other, share responsibility for the problems, plan to catch each other being good, reward each other, plan positives together, and accept some differences.

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus.

Philippians 2:5 (NIV)
Video

Developing Spiritual Intimacy in Marriage

The following is an overview of a conversation between Roy Baldwin and pastor Willie Batson, founder and lead coach of W.C.Batson Coaching Services, as part of a series on Marriage. In this episode, the two discuss what it means to be spiritually intimate with your spouse, and why it is an important aspect of your marriage.

Watch the full video on YouTube and check out Willie Batson’s website for more content!

“So don’t get tired of doing what is good. Don’t get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessings at the appropriate time.”

Galatians 6:9
Intro

Its no secret that marriage isn’t a perfect fairytale ending: it can be messy. A great marriage, however, does not need glitz, glamour and even excitement. On the contrary, what we really need to be focused on is how much depth there is in our relationships. Depth can be given through good communication, and being kind to each other. The bedrock for an enduring and deep marriage, however, is Spiritual Intimacy.

Developing and maintaining spiritual intimacy in a marriage isn’t easy. It’s important to read your Bible and pray, but it’s a lot harder to show and demonstrate what spiritual intimacy is, especially in marriage. If you gain one thing from todays conversation and developing spiritual togetherness in your own home, it’s to live according to Galatians 6:9 and to NOT GIVE UP!

The Value of Spiritual Intimacy

One of the key things to keep in mind going into this is that Spiritual Intimacy will NOT make your marriage perfect. What it will do instead is keep you in touch with the CREATOR of marriage – the One who has the answers to your most deep-rooted marriage challenges. Spiritual Intimacy allows you to connect with one another at the deepest levels of your soul, as well as link you with God’s purposes and plans for you. It allows you to bless each other with God’s love, and unify both of your deepest desires and values.

As you and your spouse grow spiritually intimate and submit to the teachings of scripture, your biggest goals and beliefs will be in harmony with one another.

Think About It:

What are some Hindrances to developing spiritual intimacy in marriage?

Tending the Soul of your Marriage

Faith in a personal God who loves you and is concerned for your well-being is fundamental to a deepening spiritual intimacy in your marriage. 

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes 4:12

Experiencing God together helps develop spiritual intimacy

There are many ways for you and your spouse to experience God together:

  • Worshipping together – At home, in small gatherings, at church
  • Read the Bible or a devotional book together
  • Talk about what God is teaching you in your individual devotions and studies.
  • Attend or lead a Bible study with other married couples
  • Make your devotions simple and brief
  • Be accountable to each other, sharing and receiving correction from each other
  • Compliment your spouse on his/her spiritual growth (no matter how small it may be. 

Together, you should seek God’s will for your life and marriage, while also counting the blessings God has given the both of you. Encourage the expression of spiritual gifts in ministry as a couple. You may have different interests, but if you can find a place where you can minister as a team, you will strengthen your spiritual togetherness.

Do not underestimate the power of prayer in your marriage.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-6

Les and Leslie Parrott report that couples who frequently pray together are twice as likely as those who pray less often to describe their marriage as being highly romantic. These couples also report considerably higher sexual satisfaction and more sexual delight. While these are certain great benefits, prayer can mainly:

  • help you with your perspective on problems.
  • help you reorder your priorities.
  • Give you a sense of purpose.

With the importance of prayer established, how can you make it a significant part of your marriage?

  • You can agree together that you will make prayer a priority in your marriage. 
  • You can keep the prayer time brief. It is not necessary to pray for hours as a couple in order to have a meaningful prayer life. If one of you is not comfortable praying aloud, the shorter time will be encouraging, and you can always extend the time when it is mutually agreeable. 
  • You can include words of thanksgiving for your spouse, along with praying for his/her needs. 

Define and Understand your shared core beliefs, allowing those beliefs to be lived out in your marriage.

Ask yourselves:

  • What do you believe about life, death, God, marriage, family, etc?
  • Do your core beliefs include a personal relationship with God?
  • What do you believe about Jesus and his teachings?
  • What are your beliefs about forgiveness, hope, or pain in the world?
  • What difference do your core beliefs make in your daily life?
  • If someone looked at your life and marriage today, what would they say are your core beliefs?
  • Are you living out your spiritual core beliefs day by day, or is your faith in a God a “Sunday thing”?

Having shared core beliefs lived out in the lives of couples is related to higher marital satisfaction and a more connected relationships.

Video

Be Nice

The following is an overview of a conversation between Roy Baldwin and Pastor Willie Batson, founder and lead coach of W.C.Batson Coaching Services, as part of a series on Marriage. In this episode, the two discuss what it means to be nice to your spouse, and why it is so essentially, especially during the Covid pandemic.

Watch the full video on Vimeo and check out Willie Batson’s website for more content.

“So don’t get tired of doing what is good. Don’t get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessings at the appropriate time.”

Galatians 6:9
Intro

Throughout the years of Covid lockdowns, people are finding that they are spending a lot more time with people that they don’t usually spend 24/7. Families are stuck at home, with parents needing to find space to work while their children are always around.
Some spouses are even afraid that, through all the time they are spending with each other, that their significant other is getting tired of them.

Extended time with those close to you may reveal things you didn’t want revealed, such as the fact that you might not necessarily be as nice to them as you probably should be.

It is important to approach this issue by applying Galatians 6:9 to our lives: “Don’t get tired of doing the good things in your marriage that will be a blessing to you.”

In a time of upheaval, it’s important that we don’t get tired of doing what is good, as there will be a harvest of blessings at the appropriate time. Because of this, we should strive to be nice to one another.

Think About It:

What are three “Nice” things your spouse did for you this past week?

There need’s to be a balance between positive/negative in order to maintain a healthy relationship, as noted by marital researcher John Gottman. “To offset one negative word or deed, you need five positive words or deeds.” Knowing this and keeping this in mind is key to establishing a safe space between you and your spouse.

The 7 Ways to be Nice to your Spouse
  1. How do you greet each other after being apart?

You might think this isn’t applicable, considering you seem to always see your significant other during this Covid season. However, this doesn’t just apply to long periods of time being apart: this could be when coming together from being in different rooms, or small periods of time being apart. Research shows that the first four minutes of a conversation can define the interaction between two people for the rest of the day. It is important that you are intentional about how you greet your spouse.

2. Kiss your spouse goodnight or when you leave

Research sadly shows that 8 out of 10 couples no longer kiss each other before going to sleep. Shows of affection, even during times of anger or tension, is a way of being nice to your spouse. As Willie asked during the discussion, if you or your spouse were to pass away, what would you want your last memory with that person to be? It is good to show them you love and care for them, even during times when you might feel like brushing them off.

3. Say Thank You to your spouse as often as possible

You should strive to take note of what your spouse is doing and thank them for what they do. It is important, however, to NOT compare or make it a competition. If you must make a list, track all the good things your spouse is doing and thank them for it. Thanking your spouse and letting them feel appreciated for what they do is key to sustaining a healthy marriage.
Don’t wait to start when your spouse starts: take the initiative!

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5

4. Watch your words and the tone you say them in

Choosing your words and being meaningful with them is key to good communication within a marriage. Words themselves can give off different impressions, such as the difference between “You SHOULD clean the room” versus “Could you clean the room”.
While words are powerful, the tone in which they are spoken also hold great impact in a conversation, as nice words can be interpreted by your significant other differently than you maybe intended.
Instead of a tone of compassion, we can have a tone of cold-heartedness.
Instead of a tone of kindness, we can have a tone of hard-heartedness.
Instead of a tone of humility, we can have a tone of arrogance.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Ephesians 4:29

5. Find ways to serve your spouse

One of the biggest enemies to being nice is selfishness. Having a selfish spirit, looking out for yourself over your spouse and family, is very toxic to any relationship. Part of working past the temptation to act on selfish desires is to work on being more of a servant leader, and developing a heart for service to others.
Gary Chapmen, author of The Five Love Languages, found that he and his wife were not getting along, an issue that both sides wanted to fix. Something that Gary did to help rectify this was asking his wife three questions at least twice a day:

1. How can I help you?
2. How can I make your life easier?
3. How can I be a better spouse?

A something to keep in mind with these questions is to understand where the heart of the giver/receiver is at. If you are being asked these questions, you shouldn’t give your spouse a laundry list! One or two small, immediate tasks, followed by a show of appreciation. To the one asking, it could be being mentally and emotionally prepared (especially when it comes to asking the third question).

6. Look for ways to say “Yes” more often

Most of the small regrets you will have someday are refusing to step out and say “yes” to do things. This goes back to the “If I or my spouse died tonight…” question: would a decision someday come to haunt you because you thought you had more time and didn’t simply answer “yes”?

7. Learn how to let things go

This goes back to point 2: being nice to your spouse means loving them, and not holding a grudge over something that happens.

In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry

Ephesians 4:26

Its the small, nice moments that fill a marriage. And in these times of anxiety, uncertainty… and too much time together, we want to encourage you to be nice to each other. Even if it feels contrived, don’t stop striving to work on and improve your marriage.